Learning to Trust Your Voice After Betrayal

“My internal voice was right — but the world around me kept telling me I was wrong.”

By Stephanie Seidl, MA, LCPC  

When my youngest child was two weeks old, I knew something was off. He was crying inconsolably, and nothing I did could soothe him. That quiet, persistent feeling kept surfacing: I think he might be sick.

Late that evening, I called the pediatrician — because I simply couldn’t shake it. Their answer, as expected: “Go to the ER.” So off we went. After a rapid strep test that came back negative and several hours of waiting, we were sent home with a handout on fussy newborns. Needless to say, I was not a happy mama. I knew something was wrong.

Three days later, the hospital called. The throat culture had returned positive for strep throat. My two-week-old had strep — and I had known it all along.

“My internal voice was right. But the medical system told me I was wrong.”

This experience is not unlike what many people face after walking through the betrayal of infidelity or discovering a partner’s out-of-control sexual behaviors. One of the most common questions I hear in my work with betrayed partners is: “How do I learn to trust my inner voice again?”

In the process of betrayal, two common tactics are often used — gaslighting and DARVO. These tactics are designed to make you feel “crazy,” to shift attention away from the person doing the betraying and onto you. The betrayed partner is frequently left with deep confusion and a profound doubt in their own ability to accurately read a situation or trust their instincts.

Finding Your Way Back

1. Get Educated

Start learning about what happened to you in the process of betrayal. Knowledge truly is power. When you understand the specific tactics that were used against you — gaslighting, DARVO, minimizing — you can begin to see them more clearly, name them, and recognize them if they are used again. Understanding what was done to you is not the same as excusing it. It is the beginning of clarity.

2. Pay Attention to Your Body

That night in the ER, my stomach was awash with nausea. I knew — I just knew — and they kept telling me I was wrong. Our bodies carry a kind of wisdom that our minds sometimes struggle to articulate. For each person it shows up differently: a racing heart, a swirling head, clenched hands, a sick feeling in the gut. Begin to turn toward your body and get curious. What is it telling you? Your body knows, and it is worth listening to.

3. Start Small

You do not have to rebuild trust in yourself all at once. Begin by simply noticing what feels good and what does not. Then take small, intentional steps to act on those observations. Trust a restaurant recommendation your gut offers. Honor the discomfort you feel in a situation, even if you can’t explain it yet. Small changes, practiced consistently, add up to profound shifts over time.

4. Talk to a Trusted Friend or Counselor

As a counselor, my job is not to tell you what to think or to simply validate your perceptions — it is to reflect back to you the concerns you are sharing. Often, hearing your own words reflected through someone else’s voice is incredibly powerful. A trusted friend or counselor can serve as a sounding board that helps you reconnect with the voice you’ve been taught to doubt. You already know more than you think. Sometimes you just need someone to help you hear yourself again.

Rebuilding trust in your inner voice after betrayal is not a linear journey — it is a practice. There will be days when doubt floods back in. But the fact that you are asking the question at all is itself a sign that your instincts are still there, still working, still trying to reach you.

You were not wrong then. And you are not wrong now.
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#betrayaltrauma #couplescounseling #infidelity #trauma