by: Stephanie Seidl, MA, LCPC
If you’ve ever felt like your needs were too much, they never were.
Recently I found myself in a conversation with someone whose need for care had increased. And yet, rather than simply acknowledging that need, they were drowning in shame over it. Somewhere along the way, they had decided there was an acceptable level of need — and when life demanded more, it meant only one thing to them: they were too needy.
I felt deep empathy listening to their words, as I have been there too. As a counselor, I find my work deeply fulfilling. And yet I am often hypocritical when my own needs rise to the surface. I begin to question myself — if I need more right now, does that make me a bad counselor? Does it mean I’m messed up or crazy?Questions of competency and emotional health begin to derail my desire to seek out or ask for the support I need. If you have ever found yourself in that same place, you are not alone.
Where does this idea of an “acceptable” amount of need come from?
Attachment wounds. If we didn’t grow up in an environment where our needs were met with compassion — if we didn’t feel what Dan Siegel describes as safe, seen, soothed, and secure — we often end up believing our needs aren’t important, or that others aren’t trustworthy enough to hold them. So we begin to shut our needs down, or only allow the small portion that feels safe enough to share.
The world we live in. We exist in a ruggedly individualistic western world that places us in a double bind — two conflicting messages running simultaneously: express your needs, but also, don’t ask for too much or you’ll be too needy. The world sets us up to lose before we even begin.
Shame. Wretched shame. In the words of Brené Brown, “shame drives two big tapes: “never good enough” and “who do you think you are?” Shame tells us our needs make us unworthy of belonging — and then turns around and accuses us of the audacity of having needs at all.
So what do we do?
Brené Brown also reminds us that we only share our story with those who have earned the right to hear it. Start there. Name the story — the belief that your needs are too much — with someone who has earned that right. As Ann Voskamp writes, “shame dies when stories are told in safe places.” When you bring the darkness of shame into the light of compassion, shame dies a worthy death.
Second, know that attachment wounds can heal in the presence of safe relationships. If you don’t currently have a safe person in your life, consider reaching out to a counselor. Begin building a relationship where you can process the wounds of not having your needs met as a child or feeling your current needs are “too much.”
Third, start small. Begin sharing your needs in small, low-risk ways. Ask to borrow a pen, have someone hold a door for you, or even ask for your coffee order to be fixed. Small steps add up to big changes over time.
Your needs are not too much, even when you might need a little more support. And the right people — the ones who have earned the right to hear your story — will not flinch when you bring your needs into the light.
Restoration Counseling, PLLC 
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